What Are We Really Fighting About? Pt. 3




Our marriage is young and we have had more fights than either of us anticipated.  It seems we fight about everything and anything.  People have taken notice and now it seems everyone knows about our situation.  Both of our parents and even our siblings are offering their opinions and neither of us look very good in the eyes of the other’s in-laws what do we do?

 Binding Agreement:

  1. Agree that you both will not talk to either of your in-laws about your marriage any more.
  1. Tell your in-laws that you know they love you and are concerned, but that you were wrong to discuss your spouse with them.
  1. Each of you assure your family that your spouse is a wonderful person and the one you are committed to for the rest of your life.
  1. Sincerely say good things about your spouse to your family.

Consider This:

  1. When you were talking about your spouse to your parents and siblings how much were your parents or siblings talking about theirs?
  1. You should think long and hard that you might be tearing down your spouse to others who would never entertain you saying one bad word about theirs.

3.   Remember who you married, your in-laws sure do!

Reaffirm Your Commitment:

  1. Both people should apologize for speaking out of turn about each other to their in-laws.
  1. Agree that you will talk to each other about any concerns you have. Make your spouse your confidant.

Learn New Strategies To Share Your Concerns:

  1. Blame does not work  – honest inquires do.
  2. Angry words do not work – a soft answer turns away wrath.
  3. Keeping a list of wrongs does not work – love does not keep a record.
  4. Holding grudges does not work – mercy and forgiveness do.
  5. Insults do not work – kindness does – be ye kind one to another.
  6. Mind reading does not work – no man knows the things of a man.
  7. Impugning motives does not work – we can only read fruit not hearts.

Let The Mind Of Christ Rule Your Heart:

  1. Compare your thoughts words and deeds to Christ.
  2. Are YOU behaving like Christ in your marriage (don’t worry about your spouse)?
  3. Examine yourself (2 Cor 13:5) are you in the faith – is Christ in you?
  4. Christ served – are you serving in your marriage?
    1. The servant does not get his/her way, the one being served does.
    2. To test whether or not you are serving ask how often do I get my way?
    3. If you get your way the majority of the time you are being served; you are not serving.
  1. Christ loved – are you loving in your marriage?
    1. Read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and insert your name where the word love appears.
    2. Christ put others before himself.
    3. In discussions, money, children, or anything are your thoughts words and deeds characterized by a heart of love for your spouse?
    4. Do you love your spouse or demand that your spouse love you?
  1. Christ sacrificed – are you sacrificing in your marriage?
    1. Is it your way or the highway?
    2. Do you freely give up your way when you really want something or just when it is indifferent?
    3. Christ gave his life – it was really something?
    4. It is not a sacrifice if the thing being given up means nothing to you.
  1. Christ gave – are you giving in your marriage?
    1. What have you given to your spouse?
    2. What have you given up for your spouse?
    3. What have you given in to for your spouse?
  1. Address the real reason you are fighting

Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom Pro 13:10.

    1. Pride fills the hearts of those who argue.
    2. One or both refuse to yield, submit, humble – be like Christ!
    3. Instead each fights for his rights, his way, his needs, his desires.
    4. This is not from God it is from the devil.

Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom.  But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth.  This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.  But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.  And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace (James 1:13-18).

  1. You must not continue to do the same thing and hope for different results.
  2. If you are fighting put down your pride and pick up Jesus. (Eph 4:20-23)


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